


making the most of the night

by Drhair76



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alex Mercer Has Anxiety (Julie and the Phantoms), Anxiety Attacks, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Julie Molina Loves The Phantoms, References to Depression, Reggie Peters Angst (Julie and The Phantoms), Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:27:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27722117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drhair76/pseuds/Drhair76
Summary: She presses play on her Taylor Swift playlist- because she remembers when Reggie first found her music, he couldn't stop listening for almost a month- and offers him a cookie."It's gonna be okay," She says as he takes it. "It'll get better, I promise."or, three times Julie helps her ghosts and one time they help her
Relationships: Alex & Julie Molina & Luke Patterson & Reggie
Comments: 12
Kudos: 110
Collections: Kelly's Picks, jatpdaily secret santa 2020





	making the most of the night

**Author's Note:**

> happy holidays mandy! I hope you like your gift!!

Reggie is quiet. 

It's not an oppressive quiet, not an aggressive quiet. He isn't quiet because he's mad or because he's trying to prove a point- 

(Reggie did that once. Alex bet him a hoodie that Reggie couldn't stay silent for a whole day, thinking it would be a piece of cake and was shocked when twelve am rolled around and he had to hand over his beautiful lavender champion sweatshirt. It was only later that night, when they were tucked close together in the studio that Reggie confessed- _being quiet is easy, going unnoticed is easy, it was the only way to avoid stirring up a fight at home, of course he could drop back into that when he needed to, it was practically muscle memory for him._ Needless to say, there were no more bets of the like going around after that.) 

But no. Reggie is just _quiet_. 

He's tucked into the corner of the loft, back against the wall, knees pulled to his chest, eyes closed. He isn't crying, he isn't shaking, he's just sitting and breathing. 

Julie wishes she could say she didn't know what was going on- that she was clueless. She wasn't though. She understood. There were just some days that she woke up and everything was slow and grey, like someone took all the color out of her eyes and left the world in black and white. There were just some days that Julie woke up and had to get through the day with one breath at a time. 

She climbs up to the loft, bag on her back, and pauses on the last rung. 

"Reg?" She calls gently. His eyes open slowly. "Is everything okay?" 

He ducks his head a little bit. Not a nod. Just hiding his face from her. She takes that as a _no._

"Did you want some company? If not, I can just head back to the house, no big deal." 

Reggie pauses, then nods once and Julie is quick to crawl close. She sets her bag down and mirrors him- back against the wall, knees pulled up to her chest- right at his side. 

"I'm sorry you're feeling shitty," Julie offers. Because she is. 

"My brain sucks." Reggie croaks. He inhales again, but this time when he exhales, it's longer, like a sigh. 

" _Lo siento orsito,_ " Julie says. "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?" 

He takes a minute to respond. Julie doesn't rush him. She knows how hard it is to scrabble for words when you max out your energy by simply breathing. Putting together a coherent sentence and then making your mouth move is like doing Olympic sprints when you feel this way. 

"Stay with me?" He manages, "My parents never-" 

He doesn't finish, but he doesn't need to. Julie hears him loud and clear. 

"I'll stay with you," she says, "you don't even have to ask." 

She reaches for her bag, grateful that she had the foresight to grab some things. She pulls out her huge purple fuzzy blanket that Carlos always tries to steal after it comes out of the dryer, her double audio jack, and a ziplock bag of her special cream cheese oreo cookies that she keeps stocked just for these occasions. 

He watches with bleary eyes as she drapes the blanket over their shoulders, shuffle close and offers him some headphones. Reggie takes it- he doesn't smile, but the ghost of it filts over his face. 

She presses play on her Taylor Swift playlist- because she remembers when Reggie first found her music, he couldn't stop listening for almost a month- and offers him a cookie. 

"It's gonna be okay," She says as he takes it. "It'll get better, I promise."

They sit together for a while, not talking. Julie keeps handing Reggie cookies and he keeps breathing steadily. Taylor swift goes, _wasn't it beautiful running wild til you fell asleep, before the monsters caught up to you,_ and Reggie gently touches Julie's wrist.

"Thank you. No one's ever-" He chokes a little, blinking down at the cookie in his hands. "I mean, the boys did but- my parents always thought I was making it up. Or that I should've just tried to be happy. I just- I'm really grateful Jules."

Julie smiles sadly. "They shouldn't have brushed you off Reggie. Your emotions are valid. Your brain is fucked up, but that isn't your fault. You really don't deserve to feel this way." 

Reggie chuckles a little but it sounds more like a wet sniffle. "Thank you Julie." 

Julie tucks close, nudging Reggie's hand towards his face. "Eat your cookie Reg, I made it with love." 

...

Julie's just doing her science homework when there's a knock at the door. She pencils down the ending to the physics equation and _yeah, she's gonna ace this test tomorrow, no doubt,_ before saying, "Come in!" 

Alex phases in. "Hi, are you busy with anything?"

Julie looks down at her study guide that she still has to finish half of. Eh. She looks back up. "Nope, what's up?"

"Oh, okay good, because I'm having a panic attack," he says before crumpling right there on her carpet. 

"What the fuck- _Alex-"_ She shoves her books to the side and drops down to the floor next to him. She doesn't touch, because she doesn't know how he'd react- she remembers the time that Reggie had a panic attack in their kitchen and her first instinct had been to pull him close. Having him flinch under her hands, away from her touch, is something that Julie won't ever forget. "-Alex, what- breathe. Breathe with me alright?" 

Alex, on his hands and knees, nods jerkily, chest heaving, head down. Julie sits back on her ankles, hands hovering uncertainly. He can't breathe with her if he can't _see_ her but she doesn't want to physically move him. 

"Alex, please, you need to sit up. Just sit up so the air can get into your lungs easier." She explains as calmly as she is able- which is hard considering her drummer is falling apart on her bedroom floor. "Just one thing at a time right? Can you sit up for me?" 

He does and Julie smiles shakily, relieved. 

"Good," she says, "good, okay, now breathe with me- in for four counts, hold for four counts, then out for four, ready?" 

He nods again, this time reaching out a hand and clasping for Julie's wrist. She doesn't hesitate to hold onto him back, grateful to be able to physically ground him in the moment. They sit there breathing together until Alex isn't gasping for breath and his face is back to it's normal pallor, and then they keep sitting there, trying to calm down. At some point Julie's ankles start to hurt, but she doesn't shift, waiting for Alex to make the first move. 

All of a sudden he takes a deep inhale, exhales, and slumps like his strings have been cut. Julie instantly moves so he can press his forehead to her shoulder and when he does, she wraps her arms around him. 

"You're alright," she whispers, "you're okay. I've got you _rey._ You're safe." 

When he pulls back, his eyes are red-rimmed and his cheeks are flushed. He opens his mouth but Julie beats him to the punch. 

"Don't apologize." She says, voice firm. "Please Alex, don't. If you need help I _want_ you to come to me- or someone. Suffering alone is never the solution." 

Alex falters. "I- okay. Thank you Julie. I am sorry though," he tacks on, continuing before Julie could protest, "I interrupted your studying." 

"Dude, I wasn't studying," She huffs. "I mean, unless you call staring at my notebook studying." 

"Most people would call that studying, yes." Alex says, huffing a breath that vaguely resembled a laugh.

There's a pause. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Julie asks. 

Alex squeezes his eyes shut and takes a forcibly deep breath. "I just- All of this stuff: the playing and the suddenly being tangible- it's a lot." 

Julie hums. "That's understandable."

"I just- I wish we could get concrete answers for this." Alex sighs. "Like why it's happening and what we're supposed to do with it all." He pauses, then tugs at his hoodie sleeve a little, expression guilty. "And I know it's probably annoying that I keep harping on it-"

"Alex, shut _up."_ Julie says firmly. Alex looks up in shock. "I swear to God if you say that you're annoying for being _worried_ , I will fight you." Her expression softens and she reaches down to squeeze his hands. "Alex, your worries are completely valid because these are circumstances that _no_ one would know how to deal with. Sometimes I can't even wrap my head around it all. You aren't bothering anyone okay? I know for a fact that we are all happy to have you vent to us if you need to."

Alex's eyes widen and then he smiles shakily. "Thanks Julie."

"Of course." She lets go of his hand, not expecting him to move. But he does, shifting like he's about to stand and leave. Julie frowns and curls a hand around his wrist, not letting him. "Wait, where are you going?"

Alex blinks. "Giving you your space back? I kind of took it over- I didn't mean to, sorry about that." 

She gives him a look. "Stop apologizing. I let you in. You don't have to leave unless you feel uncomfortable." 

Alex softens. "I- I don't feel uncomfortable with you." 

She smiles, feeling warm, then pulls him over to her bed. She pushes him down and throws a blanket over him. "Stay here, I'll be right back." 

When she comes back, she's got two steaming mugs of chamomile tea. She hands one to Alex and settles into bed next to him. 

"What's this?" Alex asks, looking down at the tea with furrowed brows. 

"My mom used to do this whenever things like this happened- panic attacks or the like." She explains, a wistful smile on her face. "She'd make a cup of tea and curl up with a blanket to help us relax. She called it tea time. We can put on a cartoon while we're at it. That always distracted me. So what do you say?"

Julie holds out her mug, an inviting smile on her face. Alex laughs lightly and then gently taps his mug against hers. 

"Tea time sounds amazing." 

...

Luke's been furiously scribbling in his music journal all day. 

Since Julie woke up and came down to the studio to say good morning, till now, late afternoon after school. She honestly doesn't think he's moved from his spot on the floor by the couch. 

He doesn't even look up when she walks in, just tears another page out of his book and crumples it, throwing it off to the side. Julie frowns and gingerly picks it up, eyeing the other crumpled balls scattered around him. 

She unfolds the paper and reads, _we're gonna jump, we're gonna fly, we're gonna get so far ahead that they'll call us mile high-_

"Oh, Luke, this is good." She gasps, again astonished by how much _talent_ Luke has. Almost every day she wonders how big Sunset Curve would've gotten if they hadn't eaten those stupid hotdogs. "Dude, keep this." 

Luke looks up briefly, then looks back down, continuing to write. "I don't like it. I want it to be better." 

Julie pauses, sensing some _tension._ She doesn't know what's wrong, but clearly something _is._ "Can I sit?" 

Luke nods, taking a pause from writing to scrub at his eyes. She folds herself down next to him, brushing away some balls of paper. 

"Is everything alright?" She asks after a moment of quiet. He's still staring down at his book, at the page covered in scribbled words and crossed out melodies. "You've been working all day- you sure you don't want to take a break? We can watch a movie or something." 

"I can't." He says, words half bitten off, almost like he didn't want to say them. 

"You...can't?" 

Luke pauses, shakes his head, then goes back to writing. Julie blinks. That is definitely not normal behavior. Especially not from Luke. He loves working on music- so much so that he often says it's his favorite thing in the world to do- but this doesn't look _fun._ This looks painful, forced. 

She unfolds the paper again, squinting at the scribbles in the corner of the page. Usually if Luke has notes on songwriting he'll just _say_ them outloud because they're almost always writing _together,_ so Julie's a bit out of practice on reading his handwriting. But eventually she makes it out, _too simple, sounds like a basic pop song on the radio._

Julie's frown deepens and she turns the lyrics over in her mind a little. 

" _There's something here worth saving,"_ she sings, jerking Luke out of his thoughts, " _something never seen before, oh, this is the dream I'm chasing, and I know that if I reach up I will find my wings and soar-"_ She pauses. "How's that for a bridge?"

Luke drops his pen, his mouth open in shock. Julie smiles a little, expecting him to break out into a huge grin and is shocked when tears start to well in his eyes. 

"Wha- Luke?" 

He presses his palms to his eyes, curling in on himself a little. Julie turns so she's facing him, so their knees are touching. She reaches out, gently pulling his hands away from his face. 

"Luke? _Mi perrito,_ what's wrong?" She asks, eyes wide. "Hey- Luke-" 

Luke doesn't answer, just curls in further on himself, his shoulders shaking with the force of his sobs. Julie, at a loss for what to do, just pulls him into her arms. He stays tense for only two seconds before trying to press as close to her as possible, soaking up all she's trying to give him. 

"It's okay Luke, it's okay." She says. She doesn't know what is wrong exactly, but she knows that it's going to be okay. She's gonna make it okay- she _is._ Luke's sobs slow to a stop after a moment until all she can hear are his half bitten off gasps and all she can feel are the tiny tremors left over. 

She keeps waiting. She's learned to be patient. 

Eventually he calms down fully, breathing normally, and when he moves to pull away Julie almost startles, having molded to the shape of him in her arms. She watches as he ducks his head, the bridge of his nose flushing in embarrassment. 

"I'm sorry Julie," he sighs, sounding world weary. 

"Don't apologize." She says automatically. She frowns, choosing her next words carefully. "Do you- do you want to talk about it? It seems like there's a lot on your mind." 

"No, I- I guess I needed to get that out." he swipes at his face a little, and it would probably be more aggressive if he wasn't so tired. "I just that- I _died_ for this Julie. I mean, this is _it_ for me. This is the only thing that I have. Writing and making music and God, if it isn't good, then what the hell am I doing?" 

Julie feels herself soften. "But Luke, you are good." He opens his mouth, probably to protest or recite the lyrics he deemed terrible back at her mockingly, but Julie doesn't let him. "No, you _are._ Maybe it doesn't feel like it because of who you are and how you see your work, but we all have to remember: our harshest critics are ourselves. This is worth saving- you just couldn't see it because you were too close to it, that's all." 

Luke looks at her sideways searchingly, trying to see if she's just lying. She's not- her gaze stays steady. She knows what she's saying is true; she's seen her mom stay up many late nights writing and rewriting the same verses, or seen her dad edit and retake the same photos- her family is full of creatives, these lessons are basically in her blood. 

"Oh." He says. "I guess maybe I should've asked for your help sooner huh?"

Julie smiles. "Yep." Then she sobers a little. "But Luke, you should know, your worth isn't determined by the work you put out. Like, a lyric can be bad- it doesn't mean anything about the person who's writing it."

Luke chuckles tiredly. "You're right. Everything is a learning experience right?"

"Exactly." She climbs to her feet and then sticks out her hand. "Come on- you need to get out of here. Let's go do something fun."

Luke pauses, then takes Julie's hand and lets her help him up.

...

Julie wakes up and thinks, _no, no thank you, not today, maybe another time._

She's a little unsure of who she's thinking to- maybe the sunlight filtering through her blinds or the mere _idea_ of facing the day pretending like everything was fine when the weight on her chest was insurmountable- but either way, both applied. 

So she stays under her covers when her first alarm goes off. And her second. And her third. She stays under when she hears the familiar pitter patter of Carlos' footsteps in the hallway- gathering his homework and school supplies because he's too lazy to pack the day before. 

She drifts in and out of sleep, wishing she could hide away from the clawing feeling inside or the hollowed out part of her that's missing. When her dad knocks on her door, worried that she hasn't come down for breakfast, she gives an excuse about feeling ill- _terrible stomach cramps papi, yeah I know, no, no tests today, yeah I should be fine on my own-_ and he thankfully leaves her be. She'd feel bad for lying but she can't focus on anything other than ignoring the piece of her soul that's gone. 

At one point she hears concerned chatter. It's muffled, so it must be coming from the hallway. It couldn't be her dad because he had an early shoot that was going until the afternoon, so it must be one of her ghosts. 

And sure enough, a couple seconds later, her door creaks open. There are hesitant footsteps before- 

"Julie?" 

It's Reggie. And she wishes that it was _anyone_ else, because then she could pull the pillow over her head and wait for them to take the hint. She wanted to be _alone-_ or at least, she needed to so she could not think about everything she was missing. 

But it's _Reggie._

Alex would understand, sympathize with her, Luke maybe wouldn't get it right away but he wouldn't be hurt by her rare brashness- but Reggie would take any words or dismissal to heart. 

"Reg," she manages, and then drops into silence. She can't do much more than that- her voice is caught in a tangle behind her thorny, ensnaring grief. 

Reggie makes a small sound- nervous, concerned. "Is everything alright? Are you sick?" 

Julie shakes her head, tucking further under her covers. She feels Reggie's hand gently brush her hair away and lay against the back of her neck and she suddenly wants to sob. 

"Do you want to be alone?" Reggie asks, his voice a whisper. "Or do you-" 

"Please stay?" She says despite the clawing need she has to push him away, and Reggie exhales audibly, sounding relieved. 

"Of course," he slips into the bed and Julie turns and curls a hand into his flannel sleeve. He's warm beside her, soft and firm, and smells like their lavender dryer sheets. With him by her side, she falls back into restless sleep, content to try and rest away her grief. 

The next time she wakes up, it's to soft voices above her. Her head is still pillowed against Reggie's shoulder and she can see the pink of Alex's hoodie out the corner of her eye. 

"-make her feel better," Alex is saying, "I think-"

"Julie," Reggie cuts him off, shifting a little when she pulls herself to sitting up. "Are you- how are you?" 

She takes a moment. "Tired." Then, "Hungry." 

She can't imagine going downstairs and cooking a whole meal- she hardly has the energy to form full sentences. Alex smiles though, gently, and his gaze flickers to Reggie like he knows something she doesn't. 

"Don't worry Julie," he says, "I'll be right back." 

Alex poofs away and it's quiet for a moment. Reggie does that thing where he fiddles with his fingers- Julie can tell that he wants to say something, but is nervous about it. She just stays quiet though, waiting. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks.

Julie's frown deepens and she just shakes her head. She can't- how could she put it into words? How could she phrase it in a way that Reggie will understand? There aren't any words in _any_ language that could describe how it feels to not have the person who brought you into the world by your side every day.

Reggie falters, looking like he wants to protest, like he wants Julie to at least _try_ to talk it out, but he stops himself. And Julie is grateful because she genuinely wouldn't know where to begin. 

"If you decide that you do want to talk about it," He says slowly, like he's thinking about his words carefully before he says them, "then we're here okay? We all would be happy to listen."

"Thank you Reggie," Julie says before tucking her face against his arm. 

Alex poofs back a little while later and offers Julie a plastic bag full of cookies. "Maybe they aren't your special cream cheese oreo cookies but I think Luke and I can make some mean chocolate chip ones." 

Julie curls her fingers around the plastic bag, taking it from him. "I'm sure these are going to be just as good." 

Alex chuckles. "Well if they aren't, I had no part in them." Then he pauses and- "I don't know if you were feeling up to it or if I was overstepping- if I am just tell me because the last thing I want to do is to-"

"Alex," Julie cuts him off, taking a bite of a cookie. Oh. They _are_ good. "I'm sure it's okay." 

"Okay," He poofs away and then comes back, a mug in his hand, the liquid inside sloshing gently from the movement. "How about tea time?"

Julie drops her cookie. 

Suddenly, she's younger, smaller, shaking from a nightmare- her mother takes her downstairs by the hand, warm and gentle, chasing away her fears. She lets Julie sit on the stool as she bustles around the kitchen, clicking mugs and rustling through tea flavors. Her mother makes two cups of tea- honey chamomile- and sits across from Julie and lets her talk about what she saw. 

It was the safest Julie had ever felt- right after a nightmare, inside that warm bubble that her mom made for her- and _God,_ she missed it. She missed it so fucking badly that she ached. 

"Julie?" Alex calls, worried, fretting, and Julie realizes her vision is blurred over with tears. 

She takes a breath- deep inhale, long exhale- she doesn't want to cry. She reaches for the mug, trying for a smile. "Thank you Alex," She says, swallowing. She's trying for light hearted. "Tea time would be great." 

Her voice cracks somewhere in the middle, shaking with emotion, and she wants to brush it all under the rug- pretend that everything will be fine, just keep breathing until the day is over and this wave of grief passes- 

But Alex is still watching her with those big, concerned eyes and the smell of honey is filling her nose and the warmth of the cup is _nothing_ compared to the memory of her mom. She bursts into tears- wet, wild, chest aching sobs that startle Reggie and Alex into movement.

She curls in on herself, embarrassed to be crying but unable to stop. The bed shifts and she can tell Alex moves from in front of her but she keeps her hands pressed over her face, trembling heavily. There's a pause and then there are warm hands curling around her wrists, gently pulling them away from her face. 

"Julie," and through her blurry vision she can see Luke's worried face- his furrowed brows, his pinched lips. "Julie," he says again, and she launches herself at him, tucking her face in the crook of her neck. 

"It's going to be okay Jules-" she hears him say. "I know that it doesn't feel like it. I know it feels like it'll never get better- but I _promise_ you that it will."

From somewhere off to her right she hears Reggie go, "And we'll be here every step of the way, just like how you are for us." 

She opens her eyes, peeks around Luke, looks at Alex. He's smiling, though his face is sad, his fingers tight around the mug in his hands. "You're always there for us Julie. Let us be there for you." 

She hesitates for just a moment before dislodging herself from Luke, reaching out and taking the tea mug. 

…

"It's just hard." Julie says. "I feel her laughing when I laugh. I mean- I feel her all the time. There's never a day that goes by when she isn't with me. And sometimes that hurts." 

They've relocated to the living room and are all laying out on the couch. She's tucked between Reggie and Alex, with Luke sitting on their coffee table, his legs propped up next to hers. She feels surrounded- it's nice. 

Reggie passes her another cookie. "I felt the same way when Louie- my German Shepherd- died. I know it's not the same but-" 

"Loss is loss Reg," Julie says, thinking of the way one girl who had Rose as a piano teacher in middle school broke out into tears when she learned of her death. "You can't compare something as incomprehensible as grief." 

He smiles, his shoulders relaxing. "I'd always imagine that he'd been waiting at home for me, or I'd hear his collar jingling." 

"Yeah, sometimes I think I still hear my mom's laugh, or her piano playing." She sighs. "It really sucks because you get your hopes up and then you get hit with it all over again." 

Luke ducks his head. "Yeah, I know I can still  _ see  _ my parents but like- never being able to talk to them or touch them ever again? It fucking  _ sucks.  _ Sometimes I'll see something and I want to tell my dad or I'll see something at the store and I'll want to get it for my mom before remembering that I can't. Not really." 

Julie touches Luke's ankle and he looks up, smiling sadly. 

"I've never lost anyone close to me," Alex says, "thankfully." He adds. 

"Maybe not to death," Julie says, "but your parents not supporting you is a kind of loss. And that- I can't even imagine." 

Alex's shoulders dip a little. "That's true," he pauses, then- "but at least we have each other." 

Reggie knocks his forehead against Julie's shoulder, reaching across her and passing Alex a cookie and Luke pokes Julie with his toe, smiling indulgently.

"Tell us more about your mom," he says. 

And, Julie knows that it will hurt, but she also knows that they'll help her feel better afterwards, so she does.

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't your first secret santa so I hope you like it! <3 i also made you a playlist because I saw that the other secret santa was going to! 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1slptd8y387u9wUEa2hpUm?si=D046HgHvSh-Z2da3RJqsHg


End file.
